Fic: There's a first time for everything

[subway-silence.livejournal.com]

Title: There's a first time for everything
Author: subway_silence 
Pairing: Tony/Tim, Tony/OMC
Rating: PG-13 (language, vague description of sexual abuse)
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: A collection of first times for Tony. Some pleasant, some horrible.
A/N: In honor of Coming Out day (11th October). Because you don't just come out to the world, you have to come out to yourself as well. And sometimes, that's just as difficult.

Attraction
Age: 12

When he was 12, Tony had a friend in school called Sebastian. Sebastian at age 13, was everything Tony wasn't at age 12. Confident, funny, handsome and just...cool. For a long time, Tony thought the reason he wanted to be close to Sebastian was nothing more than admiration. But just a desire to be like him didn't explain how completely lost and lonely Tony felt after Sebastian moved to a different state, and how it had taken months until he could sleep without dreaming of him.

Sex
Age: 14

He supposes that everyone's first sexual experiences are mingled with at least a little bit of confusion, but he can't help but think that with his first, they really overdid it.
Now, as an adult, Tony knows that it wasn't right. He knows his teacher, his mentor and a person he considered to be a friend should not have done what he did. It was wrong, and it wasn't his fault.
And yes, he has read enough psychological reviews in college, and he has enough experience with child molesters in his job, that he knows how manipulative these bastards are in making their victims think they had wanted it just as much. And yes, he knows some reactions are just simple biological reactions that are difficult to control, especially when you are 14.
Still, there is a little voice inside of his head, who likes to make him doubt all he knows, and tries to make him believe he could have stopped it, if he had really wanted to.

Kiss
Age: 18

So it's 4 years later and it's not that Tony never noticed any of the attractive guys around him, but he doesn't act on it. It's too much like the-thing-that-happened-but-should-never-be-mentioned-again. And girls are pretty, and sweet, and dating them is what they expect of him.
And it feels good, really good. He likes girls. He likes kissing them, likes how they taste, how soft their skin is compared to his. Likes how they are not aggressive, and how much he is the one in control, instead of, yeah...
Life is good, fantastic even. He's young, good looking and on the road to a great career in pro-football. He's popular, although he does wonder sometimes if they like Tony, of if they like the handsome, funny jock he has become. But who cares, really. And when at times that nagging voice inside his head starts to make itself heard again, there's always a Keg party to go to.
It's after one of those parties when it happened. And it's ridiculously cliché, he could laugh about it if it wasn't so pathetic.
Two friends get drunk. Friend 1 stumbles into a room and sees his girl making out with some random guy. Friend 1 gets angry and punches random guy in the face. Friend 2 manages to get Friend 1 out of the room before random (but surprisingly strong) guy knocks Friend 1 K.O. Back at their frat house, Friend 2 tries to cheer the other up with some bad jokes, which sound incredible funny in his head, but somehow turn out to be horrible when she leave his mouth. Which leads to Friend 1 drunkenly sobbing on the couch, which leads to awkward man-hugging, which leads to kissing, which what?
He's drunk, but not drunk enough to forget how it felt. It's different from the softness of girls, but not as hard or aggressive as he thought it would be. He's not as much in control of the action as he is with girls, but it's more of a “collective” effort, so to speak. And it feels...good.
It doesn't go beyond kissing though. Jason pretty much passes out after the break it off, and he half drags, half carries him to his room.
Later, he spends the better half of an hour staring at his bedroom ceiling, thinking of what just happened and trying to work out what it all means.
The next day, they both have hangovers. Jason does an obvious “Man, I was so drunk last night, I can't remember anything” attempt at covering it up. Tony decides to go with it, because denial always seemed the easiest way out of a potential difficult situation to him, and hey, they were drunk. Best excuse for anything in his book.
So they move on. Jason gets back with his girl and Tony goes back to dating and screwing as many girls as he can. They're jocks. It's what's expected of them.

Love
Age: 40

Tim is not the first guy Tony has felt attracted to. He's also not the first guy he kissed, or even the first guy he fucked. But there is one thing in which he is the first. Tony realises it, when he watches Tim walk away with Amanda from the coffee shop, watches him kiss her when they step into the elevator.
They've been friends with benefits for a couple of years now. The rules they have agreed on are never spoken off, but still they both know. There is no possibility of being anything more than what they are now, and so when one of them finds someone who could be more, the other will back off.
He has seen the look on McGee's face and he knows. This could be the moment he should back off and let Tim go. Tim could be happy with this girl, Tim deserves to be happy, to be in love and to be loved. He knows he should let him go, and it's not that he doesn't do it. He tries very hard to make to make it clear to Tim that it's okay, it really is. Go ahead and have the wild sex and do all the stuff you do when you are a new couple. He even gives him pointers, for God sake! How much clearer can you get?
He does all that, but it doesn't stop him feeling envious when he watches Tim enjoying himself with Amanda, letting himself fall in love with her. Ziva's right, he is jealous. Just not of who she thinks.
He wants to be the one who gets to kiss Tim. To go home with him, to be the last person he sees when he goes to sleep, and the first when he wakes up. To take care of him when he needs it. And most of all, he wants to be the one who makes Tim happy. The only one.
Tim is the first guy Tony loves, and he has enough knowledge of himself to know there most likely won't be a second. He knows he should tell him, and he knows he should do it soon, before it's too late.
So when Amanda turns out to be someone else, someone very bad and Tim looks more hurt than Tony has ever seen him, he decides to tell him that evening. It might seem too opportunistic, to tell him when Tim's so obviously vulnerable, but he needs to know someone does love him and always will love him no matter what. And it's okay if Tim doesn't say anything, just kisses him a little bit harder. Tony understands.